This past weekend (Saturday) marked the one year anniversary of losing my mom to cancer. Sometimes I feel like I am a broken record or am beating a dead horse because no matter what is said or done, nothing changes things, the way I feel, the way I live. Grieving my mom is a part of me now.
Anyways, when wedding anniversaries, birthdays, baby showers, survival anniversaries come around, we know what to do…CELEBRATE! Have cake and ice cream. Go out to dinner. Give and receive gifts. Have an adult drink.
But what about the anniversary (if we should even call it that) of the death of a loved one. What do we do? It is a “special” day all of its own.
Yeah, we can celebrate their life they lived here on earth, but shouldn’t we be doing that every day? Just like we should be doing/saying things that help others remember them on a daily basis.
Everyone grieves in their own way, some still grieving years later and others able to pick up and move forward days or weeks after their burial. So you can’t say to do or not do this?
Doing ‘nothing’ just seems wrong, unloving but more of the norm these days.
No matter what, it doesn’t make it any easier, more bearable, or even more unreal.
Because I have a family of my own to care for, I chose to not dwell on the sadness and emptiness that creeped in when my mom died. I could have easily just given up, stayed in bed all day, cried myself into oblivion and let my husband take care of everything. Trust me I thought about it! Even tried it one day. But when I saw the sad looks and worried expressions on my kiddos cute little faces I sucked it all up and thought about how my mom would have my behind letting my kids down like that. As much as I need my mom as an adult, my kids need me 100x more as a dependent child.
Over the weekend, our little family took a little getaway to an indoor water park. We typically Do this every fall, but unable to do so since my son broke his arm last fall. We chose this particular weekend because of my niece’s wedding and the kids were already pulled out of school a few days. All awhile knowing it was the one year mark of losing my mom.
It was a special weekend in many ways…mostly because it was just us, something that hasn’t happened in who knows how long. I hated leaving my dad alone, but I knew other family members and friends were around and would include him in their activities. But then again, donwe make a big deal about it? We shared some memories of her, said a prayer to help us keep moving forward and I of course posted pics on instagram…lol
I did encounter a few conversations over the past week that had people walking on egg shells around me. Not wanting to bring up the memory of my mom or not wanting to remind me it’s the anniversary of her passing. “I didn’t want to bring up a touchy subject” they would say. Really?!?! I remember everyday that she is gone. And I want to remember her, I want you to remember her, It’s important. So what if I cry? I cry just about everyday with an aching heart missing my mom. Missing her laugh, her smile, her constant advice giving, her love, her hugs…HER! But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk about her with you.
For me, tears are cleansing to the sole and a sign I am still human. A human with a grieving heart but so very full of love cherished memories.