Mixed Emotions

So here is the scenario…My dad and I are sitting around my kitchen table, enjoying a cup of coffee and chatting small talk, the following is the conversation went down.

DAD: “What time do you expect Chuck (hubby) home?”

ME: “The game was at noon, so hopefully no later than 5.”

DAD: “Good, so he should be home for dinner.”

ME: “Hope so! I just have to figure out what I am making. I think I need to run to the store for a few things.”

DAD: “Well, I won’t be here.” He then looks at me with a suspicious look and silly grin on his face.”I need to tell you something.”

ME: (my heart stops, my smile fades and I prepare myself for something crazy…”OH? OK! What?!?!”

DAD: “I am not sure how I should day this, but I HAVE A DATE!

ME: smiling, tears in my eyes “I am happy for you dad, but I am not real sure how happy and what to say.”

He then continues to tell me about ‘her’ and where they are going and how they met and her story. It turns out they have known each other for a while and are practically going through the same journey. She lost her husband to cancer as well, 2 years ago. My mom hasn’t even been gone a year yet. Her passing is still new, fresh, young, unbelievable, and unreal, so that is why I am not sure how to feel about this quite yet. 

ME: “I want you to be happy, but I am not sure how happy I should be. I am sure this wasn’t an easy decision for you to make, to go on a date. I mean, it’s not like you woke up one morning, blinked your eyes and said/thought..OK! I am ready, I am over her/it, lets do this!”

This interesting news I just received from my dad caught me off guard and I am honestly not sure how to take the news, react or even what to think about it. I mean I really ‘want’ my dad to be happy, but I don’t think I am ‘ready’ for THIS,  whatever THIS may be.

A ton of mixed emotions are flooding my heart and head right now…

  • happiness
  • shock
  • confusion
  • excitement
  • resentment
  • sadness
  • bitterness
  • low-spirited
  • guilt
  • somber
  • selfishness
  • the list can go on and on and on and on…

I know my dad will never get over loosing my mother, (she was the love of his life) and no one will ever replace my mom. I understand he needs to continue to move forward with his life and grieve in his own way, like I do mine. I acknowledge he has needs/wants/desires and feelings of his own that need to be addressed and that is exactly what I am going to do. He is lonely, needs and wants companionship. It is HIS life and he needs to be happy and I want him to be happy. I believe deep down my mom would want him to be happy, even if it means meeting someone new. I just can’t help that this all feels so WEIRD!!!

To be honest, nothing my dad says or does anymore is surprising. He is trying to figure out who he is after his partner in crime and love of his life of 40+ years left this earth. It’s all so confusing, exciting and but yet weird! God is in control and only HE knows the deepest desires of our hearts, even before we do. I love you daddy!

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