Christmas shopping blues

Disclaimer: I apologize in advance for any incoherent ramblings!

Today I went Christmas shopping with my dad. For most people, it’s no big deal, a pleasure, something they look forward to each year and enjoy every moment of it. In he past years I would have agreed, but not this year.

Our Christmas shopping extravaganza was just me and him, shopping for gifts for my kids, something I usually did with my mom. But this year that wasn’t possible, since she past away in February.

Needless to say it was a rough day. It was difficult, emotional, quiet, not that fun…it down right sucked! Don’t get me wrong, I cherish any given moment I am blessed to have with my dad, but it just wasn’t the same, wasn’t right, wasn’t enjoyable shopping for special gifts without my mom.

This is the first Christmas we will be spending (trying to celebrate) without her. Christmas was her most favorite time of year. Gathering around the tree with her closest loved ones watching them open the gifts she specifically chose for each and everyone was what it was all about for her. Moving forward has been and will continue to be difficult, but something that is necessary. Necessary for me as a daughter, wife, mother, sister, and friend.

When I returned home a few hours later with a handful of presents; I was physically tired, emotionally exhausted and had a terrible headache from all the crying I did. This day may be over and may be able to start a fresh tomorrow, but the reality of my mom not being here with me this holiday season  just keeps getting more real, harder and deeper each day.

I am thankful my dad is still here. I am thankful for my supportive, loving husband who wipes my tears away. I am thankful for my beautiful children who help me see the joy in life. I am thankful for God who gave me 38 years with my beautiful, strong and courageous mom before He called her home. I am also thankful for His love and giving me strength to wake up and get out of bed everyday.




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